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February Focus: Day 16

I’ve moved away from describing myself as an “agent of chaos.” It’s tacky and tired. All I want right now is for us to come together to see controlled metaphorical demolitions. There are certain things I feel need to be destroyed, razed even, so we may never allow the purposeful hurt of our fellow human beings ever again. Some of these suggestions include: medical mandates, lockdownerism, three-letter acronyms pushing equity agendas, and the entirety of the Federal Reserve. Just to name a few. But I want to hit on the “controlled” part of my plan. There needs to be some kind of order here if we really want to change the moral fabric of this country. We can’t just do it all William Nilliam and throw a bunch of chaos into the mix. Too much insanity can slip through the cracks that way. Everyone coming together to offer their skills and knowledge in order to build us all the best way forward possible sounds like an O.K. deal to me.

But sadly, it feels like our enemies are getting there first, burning it down before we even get a chance to find out how real it could be. They rob us of our resources and salt the earth as they go. I see a battle on the horizon. And with my destructive tendences seemingly at the forefront, it’ll take a lot in me to not hope for a fight that ends in a great ball of fire.

It’s taken me a while, but I’ve become more aware of how I self-sabotage. The “why” changes a lot, but a lot of it has to do with fear of success. I’d rather live like a self-imposed loser because it’s easy, and gives me an avenue to complain all the way to the bank. While I’m not sure if self-destruction is entirely avoidable one-hundred percent of the time, the awareness does change my outlook on how I conduct myself in certain ways. I’m working on feeling less like I want to hurt, and more like I want to feel good about my station in life. Like I deserve to be happy instead of destined for a life alone. I’m unraveling the purposeful detonation part of my brain and replacing it with wanting nice things for myself. It’s about time I show myself some kindness instead of just jumping on any old grenade that happens to fly by.

Now, tell me, what happens when you see the those in charge committing the self-sabotage? When it feels like they’re igniting some kind of fuse from deep within the darkest recesses of your country? The term “sabotage” directly denotes a deliberate act, as someone has to cut the cord to take the trains off the tracks. How can you blame me for thinking these calls are coming from inside the People’s house at this point? We sound like we’ve completely sold out to a foreign government, while they get to lecture us about how everything, except they, are wrong. That’s not the America I chose. It’s not the one a majority of us chose. We have a God-given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. How am I supposed to get any damn peace over here if these fools are just going to blow up my good time?

America may be young, but she is resilient. So are her people. And we will get through this. There might be some more hardships coming, as that bomb’s gotta go off sometime. But it won’t be us who gets burned by the blast. It was they who lit the fuse long ago, finding ways to buy more time before the whole dirty operation explodes. Well, that time is nearing. I can rest easy knowing that no matter how deep in the blast zone I am, I have the chance to walk away unscathed. Because this wasn’t self-inflicted, it’s just what was done. That’s why we’ll be stronger when the dust settles, realizing we all made it through. Maybe we’ll discover their power was just an illusion this entire time. Their purposeful annihilation tactics are too obvious to buy anymore, and those of us who was this coming have to assist those who didn’t. No use burning bridges when none of us know which way is up.

There’s going to be a lot of clean up needed when their explosive game gets found out. We’ve got to get on the same page about rebuilding so we don’t let corruption take over the top again. So here’s my offer in that. No more flexing my firebug feelings about it. Instead, I’ll really try and make something of myself, instead of searching for reasons to hit the detonator. Less destruction, more controlled burns, with someone I actually can trust at the helm. Some men want to watch the world burn, but this woman knows a necessary flame when she sees it.

Swears: $1.00
One s-word slipped out at work, then I was repeating someone’s line and dropped and f-bomb.

First Draft word count: 58,371
Words written today: not enough right now.

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