a lot is left, in fact

My closet is gone. The guys came early this morning. It took them no more than ninety minutes to finish. My neighbor came upstairs to see what the commotion was about, and I apologized for not warning her in advance. She said it was fine and that she was just curious, as she works from home and was wondering what I was doing. I invited her in to observe the process and told her it’d all be over soon.

The unit came out in pieces, peeled away with such precision that it doesn’t even look like anything is missing. It’s just a space with nothing in it. The white walls mimic the white doors that once were. If I had known I would be left with such a space, perhaps I would have done something new with it. It’d be a perfect place for a little home office if I added a fold-down desk below a shelving unit. There’s even an electrical outlet I didn’t know existed. Perhaps there’s time to change the design, since installation is still a few months away.

This was not what I imagined would be left behind after all was said and done. I pictured a yawning, sprawling, unfriendly chasm; an endless void of rusty nails, broken wood, and cobwebs waiting to suck me in and drain the life from me. But no such luck. It’s just a space. My space. Still my home, or have I forgotten who’s actually here?

For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like anything is missing. Everything in my life is exactly as it’s supposed to be. There’s a real excitement in the idea of putting the focus back on me, instead of brooding about what’s currently not present. The year is just getting started and I have so much to look forward to. The things I had to leave I know are fine without me, and what I walked away with is more plentiful than ever. I thought I’d be left with nothing. But now, despite the blank space, I feel more fulfilled than ever.

I’m not going to bore you with all my home decorating plans. There’s still a lot of alignment I need to find in this new phase of life. But I’m here for the long haul. I could one day raise a family of my own here with no one telling me I can’t. It’s all just going to be right here, a space I love with a lot of room left to grow. And somehow, someday, I hope someone will love it too. You never know what we can find. Maybe that unexpected left turn was the right way to go after all.

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