30) what’s want got to do with it

My December to Remember II: Day Thirty

News: Man accused of quadruple murder of college students in Idaho arrested in Pennsylvania.
House Democrats release six years of President Trump’s tax returns.

U.S. Markets end worst year since 2008.

When the mystery ends, what happens? When all is said and done and you have no more threads to pull at, what do you do? What more can you do? Do you find contentment in what you discovered or do you move on and chase something else?

Clearly whatever I’m looking for has not been found yet. I’m still waiting for answers. Or at least my answer. The one thing that when revealed will tell me all I need to know. But this is different than what’s been in the news lately. I’m not trying to unravel any mysterious crime tales. I’m not waiting on something concrete that I feel will confirm my suspicions about a guy I inexplicably hate. This feels entirely different. It’s the thing that, when it happens, will elevate me to a whole new level. For some, I suppose that’s a new job. A relationship. A pregnancy. A death.

It could be anything. It could be the thing I least suspect. Or it could be what I never knew I always wanted.

Sometimes the effort is just too overwhelming.

The truth is, I don’t really know what it is I want, and I don’t know if I’m supposed to know at this point in life. The people around me all seem to be achieving their life goals, but is that because they want it, or because it’s what they feel like just comes next for them? And then when they fulfill it, do they even feel fulfilled in spirit? My main focus isn’t necessarily on what other people do, I just always wonder about them. From my vantage point, it feels like everyone else has it together, while I’m over here, a jumbled mess of incoherent thoughts and general malaise. I know comparing myself to others is a fruitless endeavor, but I do wonder what it is I might be getting wrong as everyone else seems to get it right.

And I do know there’s a big difference between what you want and what you need. I think fulfilling a want is nice in the short-term, but finding what it is you need can carry you for a lifetime. As I’m the one doing all the lugging for myself lately, I think fulfilling my needs comes more naturally. I can’t complain about that. However, it would be nice to feel like I’ve won once in a while, instead of drawing the burnt match while everyone else gets a fresh one.

I think we know how this one ends.

The boyfriend I had when I was twenty was the first time I actually felt ‘wanted’ in a relationship. He’d tell me all the time how much he wanted me, even after we were broken up and he was dating someone else. I let him want, I’d let him get, all the while all I wanted was to recapture what brought us together in the first place. Turns out, I didn’t need any of that, and I wasted my time and energy on someone who ended up not wanting me at all. I’m hoping after all this time I learned my lesson not to chase anyone who couldn’t care less if you existed or not. It’s a whole different story when you’re the one being chased, but that’s another tale for another time.

Perhaps someday I’ll find this ‘want’ again. Someone who wants more than one thing from me, and who has the ability to reach down deep and sort out the internal turmoil that causes us to hurt the ones we love the most. I’ve got a lot of work to do on that, too. I’ve got all the time in the world to figure it out. No need to get ahead of myself on things that are not currently present. But they will be one day. At least I want to keep believing that.

I wanna hold your hand.

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