22) when will it wow me

My December to Remember II: Day Twenty-Two

News: SBF back in the U.S. after being extradited from Bahamas, freed on $250M bail, ex-associates from Alameda Research cop deal with feds, plead guilty to corruption charges.
Millions of Americans prepare for ‘Snowpocalypse.’
Senate passes $1.7T Omnibus spending package.

I wish something would surprise me. Anything. Nothing shocks me, nothing blindsides me. Everything that comes out in the news is exactly what I expect. Sam Bankman-Fried receives $250M bail in New York after saying he has $100K in the bank? Duh. Argentina wins the World Cup on penalty shots? Uh huh. Snow in December? And? The FBI colluded with big tech to censor Americans? What the fuck else is new, fellas? You got some fake ass UFO invasions you want to throw my way? Because I can’t wait to pretend those are real, too.

But no. I’m a huge lump of coal right now. Nothing excites me and every single thing that occurs is just so ridiculously on brand. I’d like to see something that sincerely shocks me to the core. Something I would never expect to happen, I’d like for it to happen. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much out of life, but there’s gotta be something out there that can bring out the bewilderment.

Me reading any headline lately.

There was only one event in my life I can recall genuinely surprising me, and it was actually spoiled before it ever happened. Let me explain. When I was a sophomore in high school, my friends threw a surprise birthday party for me. But they had accidentally handed me an invitation that said “A party for Gina.” My dumbass assumed that the invitation was for me, not the party. So I showed up to my friend’s house just expecting to hang out with some peeps. When I realized the party was actually for me and people had brought me gifts, I was absolutely blown away by their generosity. It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me. I had no idea people liked me enough to make that kind of effort. So even though the cover was blown, it was still surprising.

And then that’s been it. It’s like I’m forever anticipating the one thing to happen to me that will make me say “Oh wow! For me?” It’s not that I don’t want things like that to happen, I’m just starting to think I’m not meant for that in this life. I used up all my shock and awe and I’m just left with a lifetime of “so what else is new?”

Sorry but you were boring me.

I suppose I should stop relying on outside forces to make things exciting again and work on what I can do for myself. I mean, I did lose thirty-five pounds in three months. That’s something to be proud of, and I guess it’s surprising I even took that first step for myself. It’s a little easy when nearly everything on earth, namely sugar and processed foods, takes like absolute sewage. I’ve found ways to control my temper and am consistently doing a good job at work. Are these not notable ‘surprising’ things about myself that I can feel good about?

Perhaps I just want too much. My expectations are just too high. My wide-eyed idealism has no place in this life. Except I don’t really believe that. I’m still waiting on the one story to blow my mind. But maybe the trick is I’ve got to write it for myself first.

Oh goodness.

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