13) enjoying what else is to come

My December to Remember II: Day Thirteen

News: SEC filing fraud charges against Sam Bankman-Fried, denied bail in Bahamas.
U.S. inflation cools to 7.1% year-on-year, overall food still up 10% from last year.
Respect for Marriage Act signed.

I can’t remember the last time I was excited for something to come out. Not a film, a TV show, a video game, nothing. There is literally nothing I’m looking forward to. I have all I need right here, what else could I possibly be waiting for? But I know not everyone is like me. They have entire conventions where it makes national news when a trailer gets dropped. A music artist releases a new album and you can physically hear the shrieks of enjoyment from all corners of the globe. I lost this sense of child-like wonder and I’m deciding if that’s necessarily a bad thing.

I’ve said here that I’ve got no concept of time. I just go from one point to the next, doing what I think is right and honoring how I feel along the way. Whatever content that comes along which I didn’t create or have no part of, I don’t really care about. Excitement around all that just doesn’t make sense to me. I’m sure there are some out there who’d roll their eyes at me and say “let people enjoy things.” Well, who’s stopping you? Go right ahead? Am I supposed to just idle by and stay silent on how odd I think it all is?

I work with mostly women, but the few men I do work with are huge sports junkies. It’s always kind of funny listening to them talk about who’s making what fantasy football roster, and how their team fared in the last big game. One day a few weeks ago I was feeling rather cheeky as they talked about how “we” did so well and “we” were killing it. “Why do you guys always say ‘we?'” I asked, “You’re not playing in the game!” They laughed and explained that when you’re a lifelong fan of something, it becomes part of your station. I respect that mindset, though I don’t adhere to it. People find things to bond over and that’s okay. I’ll still think it’s kind of weird and impersonal, but it’s not my life to lead. But it does bring my relatability down to just a nub. How am I going to just ‘let people enjoy things’ if I can’t at least pretend to be happy for them about it?

One of the big things I think sets me apart from everyone who enjoys things like a normal person is the sense of anticipation one gets when they know their favorite thing is coming. They can look forward to the big game. Or a concert. Or a movie release. Me? I dread the anticipation. I hate the lead up. I have to go to two things tomorrow and it’s just making me hate life about it. But the same thing always ends up happening: I go to said event and it’s far better than I expected. But that lead up, the anxiety, I just can’t take it sometimes. It’s why I feel more comfortable just letting things roll into me or past me, one thing after the other. Nothing surprises me anymore. But I’m slowly warming up to the idea that more news on impending accountability coming down the pike just might do the trick.

When we can’t see things coming, when the world stops being entirely predictable, that’s how we’ll know we’ve started over. Ascended to a new life. Found a brand new way. That’s the only thing I’m looking forward to, and I need to stop relying on a news story to get me there. It happens gradually, then one day you just feel different. I’m sure of it. You won’t even remember what the ‘before time’ was like anymore. You’ll just be where you need to be, happy with what you’ve got, reveling in things that you love. Just like I believe all of us believers are meant to.

It still feels possible for me, despite all the odds. No matter how implausible. Because if there’s one thing I know about the human spirit, we go after what resides in our heart. Others may have the Dallas Mavericks or Disney Animation Studios living in theirs, and that’s okay if that works for them. Mine holds something entirely different. And it’s taking me places I can’t help but look forward to.