5) want to see if it fits?

My December to Remember II: Day Five

News: FBI warned of “hack-and-leak” operation before Hunter Biden laptop story censored
TJ Holmes, Amy Robach taken off GMA indefinitely after affair revealed

Arizona certifies 2022 election one month later, recounts, lawsuits expected

All my clothes are too big lately. I’ve had to tailor at least three items in the past month or so. I’m worried about buying new clothes because I have no idea what my size is. None of my bras even fit anymore. It’s a strange spot to be in. This is the first time in my life I’ve actually made a considerable-enough lifestyle change to where I’m losing weight and keeping it off. I could lose another fifty pounds and still be at a healthy weight. I have no goal here, I’m just doing what my body is telling me to, and so far, it’s been a good fit.

Can’t really say the same about much else going on in my life right now.

I’m happy to report that I have not gone back on my word for any of my rules this month. It’s been incredibly hard not to smoke pot every day, considering how rough the past couple of weeks have been. My main coping mechanism is unavailable to me, but I’m getting through it. However, the clarity that comes with it has been rather bothersome. I feel as though I’ve disassociated from myself and am on the outside looking in. And it’s not like I see bad things from this vantage point, I’d just like to return to my body and let my thoughts click into place. Because even with all this clear-headedness, something keeps telling me what I’ve always desired is coming, despite the face-value implausibility. I thought all I was feeling were just stoned delusions, but I’m getting the feeling what is torn and ripped is more intact than I thought.

But in order to get there, to finally get what it is I deserve, I need to find a design all on my own first. And that can be difficult when nothing seems to fit in the first place.

What is it you see?

About two weeks ago, I walked to the Nordstrom flagship store in midtown. I had seen some blue-light glasses in the window one time, and considering how much I stare at a screen these days, I figured it may be a smart purchase. Turns out each pair was ugly and overpriced. So I decided to browse the rest of the store to see if maybe I could walk away with a nice new blouse or dress or something.

But the more I walked around, the more out-of-place I felt. Clothes are crazy these days. Everything just looked misaligned and ugly. Random cuts, keyholes that make no sense, clashing colors, and burlap sacks masquerading as high fashion. I questioned who would wear any of these designer items, and who in the world had the money plunk down on such schlock. The only thing I liked was a houndstooth Versace A-line dress, but I didn’t have a spare $2,500 on me. Either way, it felt like my own little eye-opener, highlighting just how un-with it I am these days. I mean, NYC Nordstrom has several bars in it, so you can get shitfaced as you shop. Who wants to do that? Am I crazy for thinking that’s an absolutely batshit elitist idea that only serves a fit few?

Pretty much how I feel at any given moment. Stylish, too.

I’m just trying really hard to find my place in all this. I don’t have it in me to conform ever again. Being who I am is far too important, even if I’m not entirely sure where that person is right now. But I do worry about being so far removed from society that I push myself into become a recluse, especially as I eye a promotion that could feasibly allow me to work from home.

I just want whatever fits in my life to come to me as naturally as possible. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request. I’d love to find a connection and just go with it. To not do what is ‘expected’ of us or what we’re ‘supposed’ to do. It seems to me that these days, people do what they want on selfish terms, regardless if it’s morally right or not. Like these people who censored a prescient news story because they were too caught up in everyone’s feels. Or a couple of married news anchors not brave enough to tell their spouses they weren’t a good fit before fucking around on them. Or shoving through a certification of a gubernatorial race riddled with errors and discrepancies a month after Election Day. Hell, Oxford Dictionary announced their concept of the year is “Goblin Mode,” which is, quote, “a type of behaviour which is unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy, typically in a way that rejects social norms or expectations.”

Well how in the fuck does that defy norms when that’s the hat we’ve been wearing this whole time?

2022 summed up.

I know I’ve described myself as a wide-eyed idealist in the past. But I don’t think it’s crazy to ask that we all see fit to refocus a little on what exactly we’re doing here. I’m entirely open to the idea that maybe I’m the outlier here; that I’ve ascended to a different showroom that the world hasn’t currently reached yet. But I still don’t think that’s necessarily a problem, because who wants to be on the same exact runway all the time? Are we all meant to wear the same uniform? Who decides what look we should go with? If it’s any of these so-called leaders currently at the helm, I’ll definitely be avoiding that cut of cloth just on principle.

I only wish things had an easier time falling into place for me. It’s like each piece takes forever to get there, and instead of a seamless transition, it takes a pounding fist to make it fit. It’s exhausting, but it’s all I know right now. It’s all I want to know. And I also know there will come a time where I’ll get over all of it and get back out there. I’ve got a closet full of clothes that look better on me than ever before. May as well at least try to find a way to custom-tailor a life that’ll never go out of style.

Forever creating the one dress I can finally say yes to.

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