SEPTEMBER SURRENDER: DAY THIRTY
What I’m Letting Go
When I was a kid, I had a dream journal. I was always having such vivid and strange dreams that I felt the need to record them. I figured I’d be able to use them in some way one day. They’d be outlined in simple little paragraphs, and I’d give names to each and every one. I’d also carry it to grade school with me, just so I could keep tabs on myself. I’m not sure why I did that, as the boys in my class tried to steal it from me more than once. It never occurred to me to just leave it at home. It’s like I wanted to bring my dreams everywhere I went. I know there’s something poetic in there, but it could just be self-indulgence as I try and analyze my own inner monologue.
My dad would always say “dreams are just dreams, they don’t mean anything. They’re just thoughts and pictures from what you’ve once seen.” That’s probably true to some extent. But how can the human brain, in all its mystery, only want to show you pictures of things when you’re at rest? Wouldn’t emotion also play into it? We’re not just made up of what we can see, we feel things too. So it’s always been pertinent to me to explore just what goes on in my dreams, to see if I can connect it to anything in my waking life.
Sometimes I’ll dream about the same place I’ve been in previous dreams. It’s either a transportation hub or a college dorm. Lots to do with departing ways or sections of housing. Coming and going and staying put. I don’t have dirty dreams anymore. It all just feels like a grasp at what I most desire. I won’t call them prophetic, but there are some dreams that seem so real to me that I awake carrying them with me all day. Like someone visits me to show me something else I’m working toward. How can that not mean something?
Many out here like to say things like “we’re living in a simulation” or “we’re watching a movie.” I dig it, as I think it’s funny. But it also implies someone else is writing the script. I’m still struggling with this, but I do believe we’re the ones creating our own realities. We have the power of the pen to decide what our life is, and what we make it out to be. I even said today when some of my co-workers were asking me about the carnivore diet: “Do what you want in life and don’t force anyone to do the same.” Those words fell out of my mouth and it was like a lightbulb was clicking on the moment I said it. It felt so natural, it felt like it was an actual statement. And it felt like something I want to pursue.
We are the storytellers of our own dreams. We might even be in a dream right now. But it doesn’t come from one entity. It’s not like in Stephen King’s It where the giant space turtle controls it all. It’s a personal dream. One we should feel motivated to chase. It just makes me sad when I see so many out there chasing someone else’s dream. They feel like they have to rely on outside guidance in order to live their lives. They may have wants and needs and desires, but it’s clear they’re not going after them. I guess it’s their life and they can do what they want with it, it just feels like a lot of the pressure comes from outside forces, rather than them doing what’s best for them. It’s a strange sight seeing those beholden to something else rather than themselves. I wish better for them. But I can’t save everybody. Not even in my wildest dreams.
I guess it’s time I stop worrying about what everyone else is dreaming about and focus on what it is I want for myself. I do have a story, no matter how much I think I don’t. Especially as I feel like this chapter, this book in my anthology, is coming to a close. The story never ends. Not in a million years. But pages always turn, and I just have to keep writing it all down. Conclusions have to come sometime, and it’s possible we’re heading toward that, and quick. Maybe it’s me authoring it. Too bad I suck at endings.
What I’ve Discovered
There was a time in my life where my spirituality would take on a much more elevated sense of self. I’d sage my apartment, read my horoscope daily, do these online pick-a-tarot card thingies that I’d always would feel like would carry me through the day. I’ve even visited a psychic more than once. Know how I know psychics work? The last one told me never to visit one ever again. Still, I always liked the idea that spiritual forces, not manmade ones, were helping drive me through life. It felt comforting knowing there was always something helping you along, pushing you where you needed to be, guiding you in the direction that was best meant for you. I still believe this, knowing it’s God’s hand guiding all my decisions. Still, I thought there was something a little less all-encompassing that I thought would make for good guide, and I intended to hone its powers any way that I could.
Sometimes I’d think that I was making things happen with my mind and thoughts. It’s not like what I spoke of above. I wasn’t ‘writing’ a story, I was creating and manifesting things, though it always kind of felt like it wasn’t coming from a place of pure goodness. Like I’d wish to run into someone in the hallway. Or one time, my aunt was picking up a wine glass, and I saw it shatter in her hand. She was fine, just a scratch, but I felt bad the rest of the day feeling like I willed that to happen. I just remember seeing her hold it and wanting something to happen. That’s not a good power to hone. Why would I want anyone to hurt with what I can do?
Maybe I’m off my rocker on this and it’s fine if you think so. Sometimes I think that too. However, I’ve found that the power of my mind holds a lot more weight than I think, and I’ve got to be careful with it. It finds itself in humorous ways, sometimes. Like today one of my co-workers was flying to Florida for a wedding, and we were all talking about if she’d see any delays.
“You ever have a flight that was ‘undelayed?'” I asked everyone. They all said no. My co-worker said she had pretty good luck with flights, but had never seen that before. I explained how when I was coming back from Florida, my flight was delayed an hour, but “undelayed” literally twenty minutes later. I had never seen such a thing. I thought it was interesting to bring up. When I got home I immediately took to the couch and napped, having one of the craziest dreams I’ve had in recent memory. When I came to, I checked my phone and saw she had texted me and another co-worker.
>Gina, I’m lolling
>My flight was delayed then undelayed
I laughed and told her I must have manifested it for her. It’s just one of those silly things that happens in the human experience we can all find a good chuckle about. But it did make me think about bringing the ‘dream’ into reality. I materialized something from nothing and brought it to life. Isn’t that what dreams are? They come from ‘nothing,’ but they have every ability to be made real. We as humans cannot fly, but we can get on an airplane and do so. Everything we dream has the ability to find its way into becoming real, and we don’t have to be asleep to see it.
What I Hope to Find
In 2011, Family Radio broadcasting preacher Harold Camping predicted the end of the world. He said the Rapture was coming. I remember this being a massive news story, with all the stations covering it only half-seriously. They even filmed a New York City man in Times Square at the exact moment Camping predicted, only to laugh at him when the time passed and everyone was still standing. I did the same, thinking to myself, “haha, there’s no way the world is gonna end haha…unless?” I don’t mean in the physical sense like the heavens open up and God reaches down to pluck each one of the believers up with him. There’s absolutely no way to predict or prove what happens at ‘the end.’ I thought people who preached all that were the crazy ones. Now, I’m not so sure.
I don’t dream for the world to end. I don’t have an active wish for all of us to die in a hail of nuclear fire. That’s not how my story ends anyway. But I’m starting to come around to the idea of a waking end. Where we just one day decide it all stops and move onto something new. We don’t need to die in the physical sense; something above just takes us onto the next plane, and we begin a new life wherever we find ourselves. Sometimes we’re right in the same place we’ve always resided. It’s just that the history we bring with us changes. We leave what we want behind, and find things we could have only once dreamed of waiting for us on the other side.
I don’t mean to get full philosophical on everyone, but there’s something cathartic about this being the final day of the writing challenge. I’ve learned so much, discovered more than I could even begin to write about right now, and it’s all coming to it’s natural conclusion. I’ve worked for this, dreamt of this, and now I’m just living it. I still feel like something bigger than all of us is coming to a close soon, and what we see on the other side of it all can take us to brand new and exciting worlds for us to dream in.
I’ve always said I don’t care if I find you before the fall or after. As long as it’s you I find in the end. And that end is not here yet. It will be when it’s time for it to be. So I guess for now, I’ll be seeing you in my dreams. And maybe even the hallway. But definitely forever in my stories. If only I could find a way to end them.