September surrender: day two

What i’m letting go

I’ve been a line producer on the same show for the past four years. While it’s been the same title, the job itself has evolved. When you’re this entrenched in the news cycle and have been forced by your own hand to watch the madness unfold, you evolve right along with each and every story that crosses the wires. Earlier this year, I felt right in my element. I was enjoying work and I really felt like everything was going right for me. The outside forces were cutting me some slack, and if there was a groove to be found, I was in it.

I cannot pinpoint exactly when, but I’m realizing the path I’ve set out on has just been getting harder and harder to traverse. It’s not really working with me in the control room anymore. I’m still a skilled producer, but it’s starting to feel like it’s all passing me by. It’s a young woman’s world now. I had another talking-to after the show about what my role is going to be going forward. I’ll be transitioning into something that will ultimately be better for me, my team, and what I actually want to do in life. I’m going to be writing a lot more than I already was, and my focus will be less on line producing and more on copy-editing. I’ll get to do what I love and still keep my job. Letting go of the title is the easy part. Thankfully I never had a ‘plan’ to stay in news forever. Perhaps this is just the first step into finally doing what I’m meant to do.

What i discovered

A bunch of years ago I was doing some self-exploration in the intimacy realm. I wanted to explore my more dominant side, as I kept feeling inadequate in that department. I had been talking to a few people as their ‘domme,’ which was fun for me for a little bit. I tried bringing it into real life with one guy, but I couldn’t make it work. I was too awkward, and was trying too hard to be something I’m just not. My expectations (and his) fell to the wayside, but he was willing to show me a thing or two about how to be a proper ‘dom,’ as it was something he was familiar with. So I let him. He was rough. He jostled me and slapped my face, among other things. He told me to fight him, but he was too strong. I couldn’t get any sort of grip. I just remember feeling so helpless. And to top it all off, he looked dead into my eyes and asked, “You want to know something?” I didn’t answer. Instead, he grabbed my face, turned my head and whispered in my ear, “You’re not as strong as you think you are.”

I just remember feeling so livid, enough to try and attack him again, to which I was met with being pinned down and etcetera etcetera. It was really the first time someone had said something to me in such a manner. And although we were in a special session of role-playing, it still made me think long after we were through. Because maybe I really am not as strong as I think I am. I’ve already caved on at least one of my rules for this month, and will talk more about that in the recap. I don’t have the willpower I think I do, it seems. I can make all the plans in the world, but they may not come forth. Does that make me a bad person? No. But I also don’t need to just keep giving in because “oh well, sucks for me.” I can keep trying, keep retooling what’s going on in my head that keeps me from fulfilling my promises. I may not be as strong as I think, but I can always get there with a little more practice. Tomorrow always comes until the day it doesn’t.

What i hope to find

I mentioned yesterday about finally finding what it means to have a crush again. I felt a strong need to act upon that today, and was going to see if any of my co-workers wanted to grab a drink after work. And if you’ve never drank whiskey at 10:00AM, you’re just not living. Either way, I scrapped the idea when I saw two of them had to leave directly after the show. One girl even said she wanted to go out today, but decided next week would be better. I started putting the bug in everyone’s ear about next Wednesday, which seemed to be largely agreed upon. I figure when we get closer to the date, we can firm up plans, but just taking the first step myself brought me great comfort in knowing I can make the initiative, and people will want to join in.

Normally I don’t like never like planning things usually. I don’t even want to plan my own wedding. And in my old age, people have to book me a week in advance before I can do anything. My spontaneity has begun to fall by the wayside, but if I can prepare myself and gear up for an outing, I usually end up having a great time. And if I’m the one actually making those plans, then all the better. I’m actually a lot better at planning than I give myself credit for. My execution isn’t the greatest, but I do have it in me to coordinate and get people on board. So I think I’m going to try doing this more. I don’t need to sit around and wait for people to call. I can make the effort and schedule something myself. Because if I don’t, I’m going to end up sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why not show myself what I’ve been missing first before someone else wants to lay the groundwork with me?

1,009 words written

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