June Renew 2: how did we do

Weight: Probably less than I think

I’m extremely tired in more ways than one. I’ve only been on vacation for a day and a half and I’m already ready to go home. I’ve accomplished all I’ve set out to accomplish and have seen all that I need to see. This isn’t a knock on Florida whatsoever, as this is still a beautiful state and one of my favorite places to be. I just think I was trying to recreate something I had back in the fall, which now that I think about it is more of an ideal time for me to come down here. When it’s cold and wet in NYC, I should head for sunnier (and wetter) pastures. When it’s hot and the sun is blazing, I can see what summer is like in other parts of the country. Either way, there was knowledge to be gained on this trip, and I got a wealth of it.

Weirdly I felt a little under the weather the day after I landed. No, it wasn’t The Coof. But I do think the kid coughing without covering his mouth the whole flight may have had something to do with it. It was the first and only time in recent history I wished I was wearing a mask on a plane. But while lying on the beach yesterday, I felt a warmth had invaded my body that wasn’t there before. And it wasn’t just from the sun. I feel fine now, but I couldn’t ignore all the strange things that were happening the moment my trip began. From housekeeping entering my room while I sat on the couch (while the hotel said it was a call-by-need basis), to the guy with the scary gold and white eye offering people drinks on the beach (he had no drinks), everything that happened just seemed to make sense at the time. I almost welcomed the weird, because it forced me to confront my own reaction to things around me that were out of my control. I got to see what do in fact have a handle on, and I feel more confident in ever in where this is all going.

This was anything but a smooth trip. July began on a weird note, and I think it’s exactly what was supposed to happen. Either way, I did exactly what I needed to do while here. I relaxed, I got sun, I got tan, and I wrote. A lot. But I also wrote a lot last month. So how did I do on these challenges I set up for myself?

1. Write a (weighted) entry here each day.

Mission accomplished. It felt a lot better this time around. I was more confident in what I was putting out because this month felt far more introspective than months past. I didn’t feel like I was grasping at straws, nor did the entries feel forced. There was a much more positive spin to everything, and the process felt a whole lot more honest. There weren’t as many depressing things to write about either, even if I did feel sad and hopeless some days. But there wasn’t the need to look for the bleak. I was simply recounting the actual transformation I felt these past thirty days. And the great part is I actually feel like I want to keep it moving. I’ve already planned another challenge for myself, this time doing it for two months in a row later this year. I haven’t worked out all the details yet, but I can see it coming together soon.

As far as my weight goes, yes, I weighed myself more often than not. But the scale barely showed any movement. That’s because all honest efforts went out the window a long time ago. Just when I think I’ve conquered my need to overeat, I keep showing myself I haven’t gotten there yet. But there are signs it’s happening. I ate like I was on vacation yesterday, meaning I had a nice big breakfast and a hearty double smashburger for lunch. But when the craving came to eat a third meal, I staved it off. I had three 1.5 litre bottles of Essentia water that I just kept chugging. And I was sitting with the feeling of being hungry, knowing when I’d wake up, I’d feel less bloated and regretful of my actions. I instead had a little cup of decaf before falling asleep. I feel like I can keep remembering that feeling of not needing to be full, and instead eat when it’s time to do so. I waited to meet a friend for brunch before I ate, and declined any snacks on the plane. So perhaps this month a more concerted effort will find me. Not only is it necessary, it could also save my life. I hope to actually see some significant weight loss over the next coming months. Otherwise, I’ll just keep writing about it. That I clearly have no problem doing.

2. No pot.

Another success. The desire to do so was even less this time around. I didn’t miss it, and when I did, it was mostly the inhale-exhale aspect that was drawing me in. I had a little puff or two on Friday because “I’m on vacation,” but I longed for the clarity I had cultivated over the past thirty days. I’m okay leaving it behind. I’m not even bringing the vape pen back with me. I felt like I could accomplish far more with a clear head than I do when my mind’s all cloudy. Being clear these thirty days felt much more significant than it did in April. So many things news-wise happened in June that I like to think my clarity helped it all along. July I have no such goal in mind, but I know there’s far less of a need to run to the local pot shop and pick up a blunt. Sorry to not support local businesses, I just don’t feel like being a stoned (wishful) mom anymore.

3. No touching.

I regret to inform you that this was again failed, though it wasn’t for a majority of the month. There were two incidents where a full edge fall was necessary, only to alleviate excessive cramps that were impeding my work. It was a remedy, it wasn’t a sexual thing. So does it count? Yeah, probably. And I did have a nice time being a gigantic tease with someone who likes to be an equally gigantic tease. But staying away from it every time the mood struck felt like the right decision, and I may continue to do so. I don’t need a streak, I just need to wait.

There’s something I considered while staying “abstinent.” I liked experiencing feelings like I had back in high school: the electric anticipation of fooling around. It felt like something special enough to wait for, something that shouldn’t be cheapened by a meetup from a dating app. So I don’t mind waiting for something that’s worth waiting for. I don’t need to prove a thing to anyone.

And that’s it.

The most successful month of challenges so far. Like I said, I’ll do another one this year that’ll be longer than the last, but it’s still being formulated. I still encourage others to do their own monthly challenges, or join me in these. Pages will fall off the calendar whether we’re ready for them or not. May as well make the best of it.

Here’s to a great second half of 2022.