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June Renew: Day 29

Weight: 233.4

I have a guttermind. It’s been that way for centuries. I think double entendres are hilarious and I always err on the side of risqué. Does this mean I’m fixin’ to go with every guy who treats me nicely? Certainly not. I’m not in college anymore. I got all that out of my system long ago. And part of me wishes I never even had that mindset in the first place.

When I was on the cusp of womanhood, Sex and the City was just starting to take hold in the cultural conversation. All four women and their exploits became something to look up to an emulate, especially as my friends were starting to be with boys in ways I had always desired. Something in me became obsessed with racking up my numbers, especially when I heard someone’s announcement of hooking up, whether a recent dealing or one of many previous stories. I kept trying to be one who’d never say no, something I can say with confidence as I look back at my exploits that I am explicitly not. I still like being flirty and teasy and on the cusp of it all the time, but I think I took things too far too quickly, only because I thought it was what the other party wanted. It was never about my desires or, I was just doing enough so they would somewhat like me. And now, here I am, thirty-six without a mans, wondering if I screwed myself beyond repair.

I’m not trying to sound sexist or misogynistic here. I’m not judging, I’m just explaining a perception of other women as a woman myself. I think there’s some females we see who look like they, in so many words, ‘belong to the streets.’ Like they’ll go with anyone because the drive is so strong within them. I wonder about that sometimes, as my drive doesn’t usually come from the physical. Again, not a judgment, just something I don’t wish to be perceived as. I’m sure people have seen me as that, and I know that I’ve made myself act like that a lot. But at this age, the leadup to the final act is a much more desirable and satisfying journey than the crescendo that takes me over the edge. And I just want someone who understands that side of me and sees me as whole instead of just a hole.

Sexuality makes up a big part of humanity, as we need it in order to create more of us. I just wish I had treated it with far more respect than I have, because it deserves a lot more. I know men and women view it differently, I just wish I hadn’t modeled myself over what I thought men wanted. I know whoever ends up with me will get to see all sorts of things meant for just us and whoever may want to join in. You can turn a fake ho into a housewife, can’t you?

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