(27) ouch

June Renew: Day 27

Weight: 234.4

I hate where we’re at right now. It feels like the whole world is saying things that I just don’t understand. Literally can’t relate to a dang ol’ thing. It even showed up at work when I didn’t even mean for it to. One of my co-workers said I looked sad and I looked like I was going through it. And I’m not even sure exactly what it’s about. But I know that it hurts, and will continue to do so until further notice. Until conditions change. Until the world unfucks itself from the utter craziness it just loves stewing in.

But I have no idea how to do that. I have no idea what to do anymore. My father made a disturbing comment tonight that we have to deal with “a God whose turned his back on us.” It’s because my mother seems to be having a harder and harder time. We don’t know how to help her and she doesn’t know how to help herself. My father called me six times telling me she kept trying to leave the house and was cussing him out because he was trying to stop her. I barely got this entry done because I was on ‘calm down’ duty, and that didn’t even work tonight. I literally don’t know what else to do besides tell him to consider other options, and even I don’t want him to have to go to the outside to help. So we’re all down bad. We’ve been picked up and dropped from a great height with no one around to save us.

This feels twofold for me. I don’t know what it’s like being in my mom’s head, not knowing who you are and having no way to express yourself. And I don’t know what it’s like being my dad, watching the love of your life slowly deteriorate in front of you, all while dealing with an unresolved mean streak that she can’t communicate about. Some wounds run deep, and maybe they’ll never heal. Perhaps it’s time I accept that.

It’s okay to admit you’re hurting sometimes. I think that’s step one in mending what broke. It may not be able to go back to where it was pre-injury, but we can look to repair as best as we can. And I believe this nation is going to have a lot of healing to do when it all comes crashing down. My problems will feel small in comparison. Doesn’t mean they aren’t real. But sometimes we need to put the focus elsewhere in order to get us to where we all need to be.