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June Renew: Day 26

Weight: Forgot again this morning despite me saying I need to weigh myself before breakfast

I wish I was granted just one day alone. Really, truly, utterly alone. Like I had the knowledge that I was the sole person on the earth just for twenty-four hours. No one would be hurt, no one would have to die, they would just be elsewhere while I was able to experience pure and complete solitude. It’s like I need that. I’m fed up with all the noise I’m being fed daily. And it’s equally annoying that it’s my job to digest the noise and report it to the masses. I’m just tired. I just want to actually feel alone again.

It’s strange to me that even as I spend a lot of time by myself, I never really feel alone. I know I’m surrounded at all times, and not in the ‘conspiracy’ way of ‘they’re recording us all the time’ (even though they are). I just know there’s a great big world out there, and it doesn’t care if I live or die. So what’s it to them if I feel like shutting them off once in a while?

And it’s not like I feel like people don’t care about me. I know they do. But I just need the ultimate moment to myself. I feel like I can’t come up for air for one moment. I’m drowning in peoples’ temper tantrums and overabundance of emotion and I haven’t even had a second to check in with myself and ask myself if I’m doing okay. Can’t I be adrift just for one single day? Why get lost in the mire of people who want to freak out over things that haven’t even happened yet?

Just let me have one single day of solitude to see where I’m at. Just me and God. Then you can return to yelling at me. Crucial times call for crucial measures. Adrift away with me.

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