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June Renew: Day 7

Weight: 234.2

I’m sticking to my plan and have only lost ounces this week. I’m bloated and uncomfortable. I feel like I’m packing the pounds on and there seems to be no end in sight. There’s a flesh-colored inflatable tube around my waist and it just seems to be getting bigger and bigger. How did I get here? When will I change things? What the hell even happened to me?

I mean, I know. It’s clear. Stuff goes in, not enough goes out. I’d rather get the instant gratification when I feel bad about something, or I’m just lazy and don’t want to cook for myself. My mom isn’t doing well, and my dad is frustrated by it. When I got off the phone with them, my first thought was running to Chick-Fil-A for a chicken sandwich, mac and cheese, a medium fry and a frozen lemonade. I’m happy to report I didn’t, but that emotional eating instinct is still there. I know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve known for years. And I think I need some self-body shaming to actually make a difference.

I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see a fat person. I see someone with a nice shape that has been insulated by too many layers. But I like my shape. I feel like I can make the rolls work sometimes. I dress well enough for my body and know what will look good on me. And this is where I think the “body positivity” movement does an extreme disservice to women.

To me, when I look at BoPo women, they look good. And by that I mean they’re put together. There’s a deluded sort of confidence that comes when someone knows what they’re working with and can work with it enough to be aesthetically pleasing. Even when they’re two-hundred pounds overweight. I know it’s strange to say and may be a hot take, but it’s something I’ve always thought. Then my next thought is how the hell they actually manufacture clothing that big. Either way, I acknowledge how harmful the idea of “Health at Every Size” really is. Obesity is patently not healthy. And although there’s some extreme cases, like an overactive thyroid or certain medications one is on, most of the time it’s just too much on one’s plate. Overeating. Eating like shit. And I have absolutely no intention of celebrating that, especially when it’s branded “fatphobic” to care.

I don’t condone people being assholes out of nowhere. That never made sense to me. Just like feeding the trolls or running to the DailyMail to talk about fat-shamers online. What I will not accept is a movement that being overweight is normal or healthy. Obesity has tremendous effects on health, both in the long-term and the short-term. Pretending like it doesn’t isn’t going to make quality of life better. I won’t ever be convinced these people who champion HAES are comfortable carrying that much weight around, yet I know I can’t control another person’s life. It’s just a matter of if one wants to watch a slow motion trainwreck, or hope for the best if they actually try and better themselves.

As for me, I need to find the line between kicking my ass into gear and congratulating myself for accomplishing a goal. Step one is being honest with myself about what’s going in my body, and really sticking to things this time. I’m not ashamed of my body, though some might say I should be. The ‘positivity’ part comes by loving the body I’m in, knowing it’s about my health. Not some superficial movement to force myself to fit in. I’d rather fit in a size 6 again. But one step at a time.

Too much of something is bad enough.

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