(2) pointing north

June Renew: Day 2

Weight: 234.6

I’ve already tried going with the group. It didn’t work. I just can’t do it. I don’t fit in. I always, always, always feel like an outsider. Like I don’t belong. Like if everyone could, they would completely cut me out of every upcoming event from here on out. And for once, it doesn’t bother me. It may have at one point, but not anymore.

I’ve often spoken about paths on this blog. Walking down a certain road, choosing which journey I’ll go on. There was always a sense that I’d be looking back to see who’s watching, or if someone is coming up to join me. I don’t feel that anymore. I’ve always wanted to get to a point where I don’t see what’s behind me. It’s not quite tunnel vision, as the world in front of me is expansive and vast. I’m just at a time in my life where I don’t care what others think about me. I can be the crazy loner and wouldn’t bat an eye. I’m grateful to be included if people want to include me, but I know it’s not necessary. I’m just here, alone, and circumstances couldn’t be better.

There’s a line our leaders always dole out about ‘acceptance’ and ‘inclusion.’ They want to make everyone feel like they’re important and have a voice in the conversation. But it never actually becomes that. It’s as if they’re trying to cram everyone into the same box, completely ignoring the corner sogginess that’s causing a massive hole. I’ve never wanted in that box. Or if I did when I was young and ignorant, I’d always feel the tug of inauthenticity. It just never felt right to do what I thought everyone else wanted me to do. Now, in my adult life, I march to the beat of my own drum. I do what I feel is necessary for me and for those I love and care about. I don’t have the capacity to care about every single person on the face of the earth and I’m not sure anyone actually does. We can care about people as a whole, and I know there are those out there who want to make a difference for everyone. But we cannot all be that person. We follow our own North Star, and I’m just liking where mine is taking me.

And I think it’s time to accept in and of myself that if I really want to get what I want, I have to stop looking for it. If it’s not currently on the path in front of me, I can’t force it into place. There’s nothing that’s going to stop me from walking forward, so I may as well accept what does or does not block my way. I’ll be fine no matter what. True north is attainable. It’s never been more clear.

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