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June Renew: Day 1

Weight: 234.2

Today I woke up to the first day of the rest of my life. I suppose we all did, if we woke up at all. That sounds morbid, but we’re all on our own timeframe. No one knows exactly how long we have, and no one knows the manner in which we’ll go. Death really is the great equalizer. We’re all born, we all die. It’s one thing we all actually have in common.

I used to fear the permanent ending. I was terrified by cemeteries as a kid. I’d hold my breath and cross my fingers each time we’d pass one in the car. There was just something so unsettling about someone living below ground, even though they were no longer alive. It took me a long time to process that people would one day simply not be on this earth anymore. Now I have no qualms about it. My last breath will come one way or the other. I can’t spend all my time thinking about it while I’ve still got a lot more inhaling to do.

Someone once said to me, after we hadn’t spoke for a time, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. And that you didn’t want me dead.” I knew they were joking, but I would never wish for that. I don’t want anyone to die. I’m not sure I even believe we “die” anymore. We just step into the next plane of existence, whatever that may be. No one knows, because no one’s really come back to tell us. I say “really” because I do believe people have had near-death experiences. But I don’t know how true they all are. We see weird things when we’re at the supposed end of our lives, I assume. Any of it can be true. But what I’m growing surer of is that there are certain things that need to fall away and die in order for us to get to where we’re meant to be.

I wonder if it’s appropriate to say certain parts of ourselves ‘die off’ as we grow. I’ve definitely been feeling that lately. Like I’ve stepped onto my own new plane. I’ve died and been granted a new life where I’m the captain of my own ship; a powerhouse of knowledge who’s a dutiful employee and a homebody with a beautiful life. No bleakness, no feeling sorry for myself. All that seems dead and buried at this juncture. This is a reborn sort of Gina. Or maybe I should actually reemerge as Giovanna. My workplace changed my display name to my legal name last week, even though I didn’t ask them to. People seemed to like it. Perhaps this is a unique opportunity to introduce myself as my reborn self. Who she is fully, I do not know, but I’ve got a strong enough foundation to discover all the good as I walk this new ether.

I’m not trying to start out this challenge on a down note. I really haven’t been feeling forlorn lately. I’ve just been me, thousands of ‘little deaths’ and all. I’m in control of my life until the day I decide to make it a couple. Then it’s our life. Right now, it’s just me and the world. And it’s not too far off to think that we’ll all reach our own sort of expiration date soon. What we’re experiencing certainly isn’t sustainable. The pieces are beginning to fit, people are seeing the writing on the wall, and I sense an upcoming supernova that will eventually end it all.

It’s coming. Dress your best as we all go down with the ship. Another will be waiting for us at the end of the long road. Just as long as I don’t kill what’s left of my will to challenge myself, we’ll have nothing left to fear. Savor each day. There’s no telling how many more we’ve got.

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