(30) everything at dusk

April Awakening: Day 30

Well, that’s it, I guess. April went by in the blink of an eye, but somehow was also the longest month of my life. I think I felt the changes. I’m officially another year older and certainly on a much brighter path. Or perhaps I’ve just illuminated already-in-motion walk. Something has to light my way as the sun sets on another month.

Either way, I set seven rules for myself for this month. Some were simple, others saw struggles. So let’s take a look at how I did.

1: Write an entry every day

Well, obviously I succeeded. But it wasn’t easy. There were some days I felt I had absolutely no idea what to say. I barely could go back and copyedit because I felt so embarrassed by what I’d consider shoddy entries. I feel like I contradicted myself and there was no cohesion to anything I wrote. I usually like to tie these entries together with a theme, but I feel like I missed the mark this month. I think I had better entries during December to Remember overall. However, I’m still glad I wrote something each day. I did my best. I just want the creative juices to flow so I can work on other creative projects. I’m my own worst critic as many in the field are. I don’t even know how other people perceived my writings because…

2. No social media

I said I’d only go on Twitter to post entries. Other than that, I have not checked notifications, no tweets, no retweets, no likes, nothing like that. But I did not stay off the site. I wasn’t checking it regularly, which was a little difficult considering all the Elon news coming down. But once in a while, I was scrolling through a couple of accounts to combat my boredom. Mostly food-related accounts like Food Insider or Tasty. Some appealed to my more conspiracy-minded fandom. I had to scroll. I just had to see. Some days, I needed the assurance in a world gone mad. But my usage was much lower than it has been. And I didn’t even check Reddit once.

I may not go right back to putting Twitter on my phone or even my favorites bar. I was fine without it. I didn’t have a whole lot I wanted to share. And toward the end of the month, I began looking at my feed just to see if things really had change. I do feel a significant shift in the internet. Things are giving me early 20-teens vibes again. But through a lens where we don’t have to take anyone seriously. We can find our own spaces and have our own fun with no one policing anyone else. I think we’re going to get there and I wouldn’t mind jumping in on that conversation every so often. But it doesn’t need to happen as much as it was, and I realize I can step away easier should things get too much for me. There’s no point in losing my head over a bunch of bullshit said online.

Okay, I confess. I did like only one tweet. Today. This one:

It just felt right.

3. No booze

This one was interesting. I ended up not drinking whatsoever and it wasn’t a big deal. Whenever I informed people about my plans, I just said “I’m trying something” when they inquired why. I even got a “What’s wrong with you?!” from two different people when I declined a mimosa at 9:30 AM. But nobody said a word. No one seemed to care. At this point in my life, I can take or leave alcohol. In my 20s, I used to think it would be impossible for me not to have a drink when it’s time for me to get pregnant. Nine months without booze? Inconceivable. But now I don’t feel that. I could go the rest of my life without alcohol and think nothing of it. I don’t think I will, mind you, but if it came down to it, I could. Either way, I didn’t see this one as a problem to begin with. However…

4. No pot

I am proud to report I have not had a single ounce of THC this entire month. Just a dime bag. No, I’m kidding. I didn’t get high once over the past thirty days. I also didn’t ingest my “loophole” Delta 8, which is a much milder version of THC. You get a high like with weed, but it lasts much shorter and is not as strong. So I was entirely clear this month. I’m happy to have done it. I even told my dad about it, to which he said, “You can always revisit if you want, and take as many breaks as you need.” I may do that. I won’t need to tell anyone about it. But this break felt extra imperative to take at this point in my life. There were so many times I wanted to cave, but didn’t. I fulfilled the promise to myself, and I know what it’s like to be extra clear. Like I said, this was the longest stretch I’ve gone since October 2020, and perhaps I’ll keep on the path of limiting my usage. Well see.

5. No food deliveries

Unfortunately I didn’t do very well with this. The first half of the month went great. I was cooking for myself and if I did want something outside, I’d order then go pick it up. But there was one Saturday after barre where I was just entirely wiped so I ordered Chick-Fil-A. It was not tasty. A majority of the things I ordered this month were not great. So I may go back to this being a once-in-a-while thing. I’ve discovered some sharp new recipes that I’m excited to cook, and rediscovered the joy and satisfaction that comes from making one’s own meal. I just wish I had a sense of smell to go along with tasting my creations. Maybe it’ll come back one day.

6. No soda

No problemo. I’ll keep without it. I just bought myself a Zero Water filter and absolutely love it. Nothing like fresh, crisp, clean water. Much better than soda. Though I did have a dream last night that I drank a Pepsi while sitting on an NYC sidewalk. I remember not being happy with myself when I woke up.

7. No ‘self-play’

No comment. See for yourself.

Oh well.


And that’s it. What did I learn? Anything? Well, lots. Lots of things. I continue to learn things about myself and what I’m capable of. That was to be expected. However, what I didn’t expect was how I see other people. The clearer, fuller picture came into effect this month. I see things for what they are now. I see people for who they are. And I find it’s entirely okay for that to change. You may wake up one day and not know someone. Or you could wake up to realize who you simply cannot live without. What rings true at the end of the day is knowing thyself and sticking to your guns. I’m not here to cut the throat of another to get myself ahead. I just know what is right and what is wrong. And as the sun sets on another month and I get all the more closer to who I am, I can feel proud of the station I’m in, and confident in the foothold I’ve come to stand in.

Thanks for listening. Good night.

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