April Awakening: Day 29
I told someone I loved them today. And I sincerely meant it. I felt it rising within me and I just wanted to let it all out. I didn’t feel cringey or weird about it like I normally would. It was just something I needed to say in that moment. I’m glad I did. And she was glad to hear it. Even if she’s “only” my co-worker, I had to let her know just how much I appreciate her and who she is to me. It felt good. Perhaps I should start doing it more. Only when the moment is right, of course.
I feel as though I’m a series of contradictions. I’m highly emotional person but have a lot of trouble showing it. I want to talk to people but don’t know how to reach out. I want to love so badly but I push everyone away who tries to get close to me. I’m still in the process of trying to figure those parts of myself out. It’s starting to get there. I think it ties into my rebellious streak and contrarian nature. But maybe it’s time to stop cleaving to that, so I can finally let my true self out. Only when the moment is right, of course.
I’ve always been taught to keep things close to the vest and not share everything. So when I find someone I can share with, I find that to be a special and unique thing. I want to cherish that and hold that, even if we go long gaps without speaking. I love feeling like no time has passed when we reconnect, as if we pick up right where we left off. That’s how I know it’s real. I know life gets in the way and we can’t always speak with our loved ones every second of the day. But it’s comforting knowing we always have a way to find one another. Only when the moment is right, of course.
I never feel like it’s too late or that I’ve missed my chance. There’s always another right around the corner, even if it manifests in a way I didn’t expect. I have to stay open to love and being loved, so I can figure out how to make it known that I do too. It’s one thing to have feelings. It’s another thing entirely to be able to express them.
Only when the moment is right, of course.