April Awakening: Day 25

For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I’ve got the upper hand here. I feel like the ball is in my court, when for so long it simply was not. I’m the one holding the cards this time. Advantage, Gina. Not only do I know what my worth is, I feel it within me. I want to live it. I don’t just want to see the hand on the table, never playing my hand because I know the house always wins. No, I have a real shot here this time. And I’ve got to be careful with this impending jackpot.

I do find myself to be a very emotional person, but over the years I’ve not let it show as much. People who know me may disagree, as I do wear my heart on my sleeve, especially when tensions run high in the control room. But when it comes to the real depth of what’s inside, that always stays close to the vest. It’s the Ace in my pocket, meant only for the realest moment of them all. Which I know is coming. Somehow, someday I’ll get dealt the perfect hand, knowing the coldness will melt when it’s time to ante up.

I worry sometimes I’m too aloof or too mysterious, not letting anyone in or know exactly what I’m thinking, even if the moment calls for it. But I think the first step is admitting this power I have. It’s the power over myself, knowing I can choose one way to be over another after I split the deck. I’d rather choose warmth and understanding this time, rather than play my hand too early and give it all away.

I’ll get it one day. I’d put money on it.

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