(24) break the lock

April Awakening: Day 24

Tomorrow is the last day I took off of work. I haven’t been inside a newsroom in nine days, which can feel like forever in newstime. I don’t necessarily want to get back to work, but at least it’s something to do. Otherwise you can find me just on the couch. Or playing a video game that has no bearing on my life as a whole. Not going out, not hanging out. I don’t even have the “no vax pass” excuse anymore. I’m sincerely torn between wanting to do something and not wanting to do anything. And I’m focusing more on the latter these days. Because when the calendar clicked over to thirty six, it became less important to seek anything out. And I’m starting to wonder if this city has ran out of things to even offer me.

Pretty much.

I dream of my own home, a space I can call mine where I don’t have to see anyone I’m not actively seeking out. It’s not like I dislike anyone who lives in my building or have any problems with them. But it does sometimes sink in that I’m surrounded by people all the time. It’s almost like I can’t be myself without wondering if anyone else can hear me doing anything. It feels much easier to stay locked away inside, pretending I’m all by myself, but knowing I’m not. And it’s not like anyone out there sincerely cares for me. They can be my friend and have a liking to me, but I mean really truly care. The way family is supposed to. It feels less plausible I’ll find it in Manhattan. Not this version of it, anyway.

But on the other hand, when I do go out and do something, I usually enjoy it. It’s the anticipation of doing something that always bothers me. It’s like I get mad I signed up for an event or a class or a spot in the pool, but when I’m doing it, it’s not so bad. It may actually be better than I expected. I guess the best thing I can do is force myself to get out and do things I know will be good for me. Like working out, or expanding my knowledge bank further. It has to become a focus, an obsession even, to unfasten this hold I have on myself. It may be time to change for the better. Because I don’t feel like fusing with the couch for the rest of my life, as appealing and as easy as that may be.

Things can look up if I want them to. I know I get morose and emo a lot of the time, but maybe I can stop seeing just ‘one day’ as the turning point for it all. It may only take a moment to break the chain around my ankle, but the leadup to doing so can take much longer than that. I just have to be willing to make the effort when the time comes to swing the axe.

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