(21) the ‘wrong’ side of thirty

April Awakening: Day 21

I don’t know what it is I’m trying to recreate for myself on this day, the day of my birth thirty-six years ago, but I know whatever I’m doing is just not working. I spoke of cycles recently, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. But it’s different this time. I really don’t feel like a child anymore. I’ve taken one more step upward on the adult ladder, and while I know it’s the right path, I feel like I went about it all wrong.

I think it’s time to admit to myself that what I want may actually not happen in this lifetime. I can spout all the mysticism I want about it, but reality really set in today. Shit sucks, it’s sucked for a while, I don’t see any of it changing. No matter how much I think I’m doing right, it just never seems to stick. I don’t want a bleak outlook for myself but it’s my day today; I can feel however I want. And maybe it’s not wrong for me to just get it all out of my system.

I took this entire week off. I planned a trip to the Jersey Shore to get my mom out of the house a bit. My aunt came along too. But we had to cut it short. My mom just wasn’t handling things all that well. I really saw her differently. She’s having a much harder time than I let on to people. And I don’t know what else I can really do for her. I had hoped it would have been different, but I was incorrect it seems. So that feels like another bit of hope crushed under my own thumb. And I don’t feel like I have the right to complain about it because I can’t for a moment fathom how hard it is to be my mother right now. We’re all suffering in our own way, and it just doesn’t feel right to bitch and moan about how it makes me feel.

I don’t know. Part of me wants to throw away all this ‘positive’ thinking and just indulge my baser instincts: be sullen and crabby, not let anyone in, complain all the time and just generally be a sour person until I wither off the vine and die. Eat what I want because it doesn’t matter. Smoke what I want because it doesn’t matter. Go about things the ‘wrong’ way because it feels ‘right’ of me to do so. What’s the point when life just seems shit wall to wall right now?

I know this is not what I’m ultimately going to do. I’m just in the doldrums right now. Like I’ve said, I always get a little iffy for my birthday. Maybe next year I won’t start my next year on such a down note. I’ll find it in me to not let the wrongthink win, and actually find the inner peace I’ve been touting all these years.

I’m only thirty six. I ain’t dead yet. Right?

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