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April Awakening: Day 19

I’ve spoken about this before, and those who’ve followed my internet career already know this, but I’m still paying attention to all those “internet lolcows.” Not ones who’ve ‘put me on the map’ so to speak, but there are a few I still watch from afar. It’s mostly obese women who go on ‘weight loss journeys’ yet never succeed, thanks to (more than likely) some kind of narcissistic personality disorder. I think that says a lot more about me than it does them. I’d love to be able to put a YouTube video together to compile my thoughts, but I don’t really see a point anymore. I may completely be past that stage in my life, and this entry isn’t about them necessarily. They’re just a jumping off point. Because when someone puts themselves out there as much as these women do, it’s entirely possible to form a picture of a person one can project their own personalities onto. People do extensive deep dives into a lolcow’s background and come up with some interesting psychological profiles. Considering I’m someone who has struggled with her weight her entire adult life, it only makes sense I’d attach myself to this brand of lolcow. The advantage of looking in is you can see plain as day how these women keep themselves in a ‘cycle’ of weight loss and depression. I just haven’t been able to look outside myself long enough to find out what my cycle is.

I like to think I’m self-aware enough to change when things go wrong. I’ve had more than my fair share of run-ins at work to where I can just be myself without letting my insecurities out on everyone else. But this weight loss thing has been plaguing me for years. I do really well and then I stop doing well. I feel like I have all the tools I need, and then I fall right back off the map. I don’t exactly know what the trigger point is for me, yet I can see it so clearly in all these internet entities. I guess it’s not exactly fair for me to compare myself, as these women don’t really see it for themselves either, but it gets me thinking: How much can any of us see how round and round we go?

Is it possible to be so aware of oneself you know when it is to get back on track? Perhaps. Maybe it’s more common than I think. Maybe there’s a lot more people out there with healthy coping mechanisms than I assume there is. Because for me, I see someone spinning and rarely do I see them change for the better. I just see the rotation rerack, the music begins again, no chance to stop, no end in sight. I’ve spoken about it before when it comes to smoking pot, as I know I’ll have at least one more joint after this month is over. When does it end? Does it ever end? Is it actually possible to break free from the cycle and begin anew?

Part of me still hopes so. But right now, I’m so static, I can’t see any way out of the spin cycle. I don’t want to be morose or a downer, but it’s just how I feel right now. I’d like things to be different, but I don’t know where to start. Perhaps it’s not as easy as handing over a ticket to ride so your new life can start. Maybe it takes more time and patience than I’m willing to put in right now. I wonder if that can be different, but even if it’s not, I can find contentment elsewhere, can’t I?

These entries help. Writing it out helps. Even if I don’t get superchats for being an absolute trainwreck, for all I know, something may be clicking in me to get my gears running smoothly again. I’m on a constant ride toward bettering myself. I just hope I’m not at the point of no return when the music finally stops.

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