(18) turned off

April Awakening: Day 18

I don’t think I’ve ever been this static in my life. I feel like the most boring person on the planet. There’s absolutely no motivation to do a thing right now. The day didn’t start like that, though. I actually got up early and had breakfast at a neighborhood restaurant. I brought my laptop and did a little writing. I want to revisit a story I began six months ago, but instead got desperately sidetracked. But then that was it. That’s all I did. I sort of kind of cleaned up my house, but then just played games all day. I did things that don’t have any bearing on anything on my life going forward. I’m just a big powered-down lump and it’s not fun anymore.

I always get a little iffy before my birthday. Once the novelty of aging wears off and you don’t have birthday parties to attend, it just becomes another day in the year. I don’t feel like I have any reason to change the channel at the moment, yet I can’t help but complain that this show absolutely sucks.

I’ve taken this entire week off, so I don’t really know the ins and outs of what’s going on in the news. I’m of course reading it, as I do every single day, but it’s just not the same. I know what’s going on, but it’s all fuzzy. I can’t even be relaxed because I know the dam is about to burst. I just wish there was something else I had in my life to make this transitionary period feel less cold and changeless. Because right now, I just don’t. Sure, I could put all the focus onto eating better and working on transforming my body, but I don’t even want to do that. I could barely bring myself to take out the recycling today, what makes me think I can do any better right now?

I do need to stop relying on the outside forces into making me feel better. It will come from within. It just feels impossible right now. I want to feel more positive, but it’s hard. It’s up to me to find the station that won’t just be static. Maybe I’ll discover my own show that keeps the plotline going for many seasons to come.

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