(8) outstretching my history

April Awakening: Day 8

Today is Friday but it felt like Monday. I only bring this up because it’s an extension of yesterday’s fooldom. I just kept saying it at work all day. “It’s not Friday, it’s Monday.” Everyone got a kick out of it. I think. Maybe I just had a subconscious desire to make people not think the weekend was imminent, because, as always, I’ve got not a single plan. My coworkers usually do. They had actually invited me out yesterday but I declined, as I was too tired. I also saw, by accident, that a select number of them were all on group text with each other. Something I’m definitely not in on. It was fine, I guess. And I did let them know today that I need a scheduled time so I can mentally prepare next time I’m invited out. I’m not as spontaneous as I’d like to be thanks to an overnight schedule causing more midday naps than a cranky two year old. But I put out the vibe, and suddenly I was on a brand new group text with old and current coworkers, who were all planning a getogether date for next week.

It felt nice to be included. And all I had to do is reach out. That’s been the hardest part in the history of being me.

I’ve been grappling with feeling unwanted or unnecessary to those who I want to be in contact with. Sometimes it’s as simple as wanting to talk to them but have absolutely nothing to say and no idea how to begin. With others, it’s not so simple. Particularly in one instance, I have not always had the best track record with correspondence. It’s been a back-and-forth dance for what seems like eons at this point, and right now I’m back in the silent portion of things. I feel like I can change this with just one short message from me, but I’m also worried it’s going to fall on deaf ears, no matter what it is I end up saying. It’s as though anything will feel like I’m being a bother, or trying to jam my way into a life that has no desire to make room for me. Even when there was a conversation taking place, it was always about what once was. What we once did. Remember this, or we’ve already talked about that. No looking ahead. And it just always ended up going nowhere, despite all my efforts to veer it into the future.

So right now, with silence on my side, there’s just becoming less and less of a desire to try and spur anything else on. I’m trapped in a very confusing spot of not wanting to be tied to history, while letting the past dictate my current actions. I won’t reach out because history tells me it’s been unsuccessful in the past. So what more can I actually do?

I do keep proving to myself that if I just make a little bit more effort to be more communicative, doors will open for me. I like seeing that growth in myself. But right now, I’d much rather keep myself in a box, not letting anyone in or out. All the opportunities are there for me, and I’m just not taking them. Maybe one day I will. I still feel like I need more of my wheels on the track first in order to actually do anything. But perhaps this is just an unfounded ideal. Being afraid over things that happened in the past will never let me move forward. I’ll just keep sliding back into old habits with no regard of how to keep myself guarded in the present. I know people don’t need to hear from me all the time, but sometimes it’s perfectly fine. Maybe being internal is just what I’m writing in my own history book for now. Perhaps it’s all necessary in the moment so that I may emerge ready to reach back out when the time comes.

I don’t mind being in my own head too much, but I need to be much more cognizant of what direction I’m looking. Forward, or back. And if history can teach me anything right now, reaching for the strength to push forward has rarely, if ever, let me down. I’ll crack my knuckles and extend once more. Someday. Maybe soon. Who knows. Time will tell, and maybe I’ll finally get my story of the ages to tell for generations to come.

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