April Awakening: Day 7

I play the fool a lot. My coworkers today had a big laugh on me in front of the president of my company, telling her how I rented a car just to buy a pair of swim goggles in Jersey. “I have so many questions,” she said. I went on to explain my reasoning and was having a good time doing so. I was doing everything I could to make sure my storytelling was on point. Everyone laughed, though no one was laughing at me. Well, maybe a little. But it was all out of love. I didn’t for a moment feel like I was being mocked. It’s never felt like that to me. I’ve always been good at making the people around me laugh. I was voted “funniest” in my eighth grade yearbook and I’ve never seen my father so proud. It was always felt natural to play the court jester card. I’m there to lighten the mood and provide entertainment. To perform my own little acting gigs when I’m in the perfect mood to do so.

It’s a good role to play. But there’s a part of me that’s ready to cut the deck and run.

I’ve been examining what I’ve been feeling over the past few years. I’ve spoken about this before, how there was such irredeemable sadness over something I never even actually had. I’d let it affect my mood and therefore pull everyone around me down. It’s not a desirable quality I want to have. And when I think about all the feelings I once possessed, I’m realizing they’re just not there anymore. Something I thought was so right now just feels so wrong. And I don’t feel like shuffling around my life in order to accommodate something that’s just not meant to be. I’d much rather perform my slight-of-hand tricks and wow the audience instead of becoming the sad clown. I’m over that. I feel over that, anyway. And it feels much more natural to continue on in this station of life. I’d rather be the butt of a joke and still loved than be hoodwinked by a rigged game of three-card monte.

I play the fool a lot. But being foolish is no longer a hand I wish to play.

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