27) the solo belief

My December to Remember: Day 27

Having a little trouble believing in things lately. I’m not even sure I know what I want to happen at this point. But I do know that if it doesn’t go my way, I get to play the victim for at least a little while longer. And that’s what’s starting to frighten me.

All I wanted to do was complain today. Today is the first day I’m back to working remote, when I have no other reason to other than an outgoing mayor wanted to shove just one more middle finger up this city’s ass before he goes. Add that to having no one to hang with, nowhere to go if I did, and absolutely no sign of my sense of smell. It sucks. This is possibly the weirdest time I’ve lived through in my entire lifetime. Yes, I know everyone is going through it at any given moment, but here on my blog, we talk my probs. I need the space to talk about that. Because the moment I open my mouth to certain people, all the focus is immediately taken off of me. No one acknowledges that I just said a thing. That I felt a feel. It’s like I may as well not have said anything. And I sometimes don’t believe I’ll ever get to actually say my piece. Or that I’ll just completely flub my lines when the time actually comes to speak up.

I don’t want it to feel good to be a complainer. No one wants to hear that. But I’m starting to believe I know of no other way to do things. Or that maybe what I’m doing isn’t even classified as complaining. It’s just how it is right now. Maybe part of me doesn’t believe things will get better. Maybe I have no faith in anything good happening to me, period.

I’m not sure what it is, but at least I can trust in the inevitability of something happening here. We won’t see it until it does. And I’d rather be at least as close to aware of what it could be as possible. It’s not my way or the highway at that point. Sometimes it’s just His way or bust.

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