My December to Remember: Day 26

I have no idea what good anything I’m doing is. I have no idea what people think of me. I have no idea just what people expect from me, and I can’t fathom what else I could possibly do about it.

It’s the quiet time. Not a whole lot is going on, even though literally everything on earth is going on right now. The world never stops turning. The news never stops churning. And the richest among us never stop earning. We’re all on a weird rotation to where some of us have just found comfort in their compliance, or revolution in their rebellion. Whatever the case may be, there’s something ahead that’s we’re all going to break through, and I hope on the other side of it, we finally get what we deserve.

My dad always talks about karma. I don’t know if mine is bad, or the greatest allotted of all time. It’s hard to know. There’s highs and lows and ups and downs and it’s all flying at me at all times. And right now, I’m having a lot of trouble finding a different way to describe myself other than just feeling broken over it all.

Something forever changed for me in the back half of this year. At first, when it happened, it felt like it broke me. Shattered me. Brought me to a place I could never recover from. I was able to pick up the pieces, I just haven’t found it in me to start again yet. I’m instead left holding the shards, wondering if they’re even worth reassembling at this point. But there’s still a part of me that isn’t ready to let go. They’ve hurt me, but I was willing to cut my finger over and over again.

I wonder how much longer this can last. I realize I’m liking who I am more and more, despite all the cuts and bruises I’ve endured along the way. Perhaps whatever mirror I was gazing into is better left unassembled. I can find a new one, one where the reflection will see me happy rather than endlessly confused. Now, I just have to believe it for myself. And that’s proving to be the hardest crack of them all to fill.

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