12) i made it, ma

My December to Remember: Day 12

Sometimes my mother can’t remember who I am. I have to convince her that I am in fact her daughter, she is in fact my mother, and the man sitting in his basement office is, in fact, my father. Her husband. Actually, she never forgets that. Only his name. Sometimes.

As they say, there’s good days and bad days. I think they’ve been evening out lately. She’s in a unique position because she knows what’s happening to her. She knows she has a condition. She just doesn’t know why it had to happen to her. I don’t either. But it wasn’t out of the realm of possibilities for me. My grandmother had it. My mother worried that she’d get it. She doesn’t remember that part. But I sure do.

I don’t blame her. I’m not mad at her at all. Sometimes it’s frustrating trying to tell her that in certain cases, I know what’s best here. But it doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s just the situation we’re in. Sometimes it comes with tears. But she’s still my mom. I wouldn’t trade her for any other one in the world. All I want to do is take care of her and make sure she’s happy. I’ve become the caretaker. The mom to my mom. And it’s becoming clearer to me that motherhood is a feeling I want to chase.

But it feels like I’m living in a world where they increasingly want to take that choice away.

My window isn’t closed, but it is closing. I’m on the march to the late thirties, which is exciting in its own right, but the biological realities have not escaped me. It’s fine. I’m in good health, and in no rush whatsoever. But it feels like something got warped along the way for everyone else to believe that wanting that is wanting an undesirable trait. That women can make it on their own without a man. We don’t need them. We don’t need all the societal pressure to make babies. You’re a strong, independent woman and that’s all you need to be.

I’m not judging. If that’s what a woman wants to do with her life, she should be able to. So where’s the courtesy extended for those who want the alternative?

I just have a horrible feeling that something above us all wants to crush that spirit and keep women from desiring motherhood. It’s just another method of control. It’s going as far as to take away your ability to even conceive. Not as long as they’re pushing a medical procedure that is anecdotally causing complications on those who do not wish to take it. Even some who thought they were doing the right thing.

I’ll concede that not every woman either wants or needs to be a mother. I would hope that decision comes from two people who want to bring a child into the world. Because I think that’s how it went down for my parents. I’m not sure, I never asked them. But I do know that the love I felt growing up came from the desire to have me. And l know that’s something I want to experience for myself one day.

It’s like I’m going for a test run with my mother. She took care of me, and now I’m taking care of her. And I need whatever children I may have to experience my mother’s love. Whatever it was that caused this special bond, I want my children to feel from me, and from who taught me. She’ll know how to give that when the time’s right.

So I’ll be taking care of her for some time. Doing some of the things that she used to do for herself. And I’ll be happy to do so. She was a good mom, and she’ll be an even better grandmother. She knows how to love. And I think something like that is impossible to forget how to do.