(30) the last stop & i [june renew]

It’s the last day of June. End of the month. It doesn’t feel like it and it does all at once. So how did I do? Well, I didn’t smoke any weed. But I did find ways to get high. It wasn’t every day. It came in short bursts. There was a lot of figuring it all out as it happened. And, as always, wine helps no matter what. I don’t regret what I’ve done, but I don’t think I’ll continue it come tomorrow. Or go back to weed, either. Only in special circumstances. I’ve just reached a point where I don’t need to buy for myself anymore, even though they’ve made recreational use legal in this state. Guess I’ll just have to miss out, because I’m set for a new round of renew.

Today is a Wednesday, but it felt like a Thursday. This entire month, people kept telling me, “Oh, it feels like X kinda day,” or, “Oh, I didn’t realize it was this day.” Not me. This month I knew exactly which day it was and each and every day had the correct feel. I’m in several different planning stages at the moment, and this whole month felt meticulous in that regard. But in a good way. I was happy to do it. Happier than I’ve been in a long while, in fact.

It feels as though I’ve broken through another side of myself. There’s limitless possibilities that have opened up on the path in front of me. And I’m seeing it all unfold as I’m moving forward. There’s no more pit stops for me for a long time. I can’t fall back at this point. I won’t. There’s no reason to. There’s no desire to. I’m as clear as I can get right now, and I’ll keep striving for even more clarity. I know who I am, even though I can’t fit it all into a nice box with a pretty bow on top yet. Maybe I’ll never get there. But I’ve gathered enough pieces to at least see a picture I’ve come to be happy with.

I know there are people out there in this world who have an alternate view of me. And because I don’t burn bridges, I don’t feel like their image of me is someone they hate. Maybe they’re just confused my me. Or off-put. And maybe because of that, they have no reason to ever pay me a visit again. But I hope one day they’ll make a choice and give me another shot. One more meeting to pitch myself to them. I’ve sharpened up my skills and have taken the time to get to know me. And I think she’s a pretty great person to know. But it’s up to you. I’ve done all my reaching out and I know when I’m not wanted. But like I’ve said in this June Renew, my door always has potential to open again.

Then again, I’m an idealist. A wide-eyed dreamer. But also someone who is usually right about things. Someone good to have on your side. I meet a new side of her every day, and there’s a lot more components left to discover. I’m feeling much more in tune with who I am, although I’m sure some out there see that as selfish. Can’t help it. All I’ve got is me. And all you’ve got is you. Maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll find people we want to be with and share things with. It’s all about making it happen, and taking time for yourself to figure it out. Because when you do so, you’ll see other people who’ve done the same.

I’m not here to change anyone or bend anyone to my will. I’m just here to say I’ve resolved much of what was storming inside me. And while anything can happen, I feel more equipped to weather whatever may sail my way. I won’t apologize for being a dreamer. You’ve known this about me even before you knew it. As long as this clarity exists when I come back down to earth, then nothing can stop me. Only me. And that’s all the knowledge I’ll ever need.

Now only if I could just keep writing it down…

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