(26) packing it in [june renew]

There are moments when you’re with those you care about most and are confronted with exactly who you are. You see aspects of yourself and what you’re about, even realizing that you don’t have all the answers as to why you feel a certain way. It becomes yet another thing you look forward to working on about yourself. No one but a real friend can go there. It’s nice knowing I still have people in my corner, even when I go all emo chick thinking I’m a lone wolf in this world.

It’s a nice feeling. It’s great to be present with the feeling of loving someone and caring about them. Doing things because it’s natural to do them. Reacting just as yourself because you don’t need to be anything else. These moments are so special to me and it always seems like I’m only deserving of them once in a while. But perhaps if I put in more effort to make them happen, we can see each other more frequently.

Being a lone wolf is a choice. I see that now. It may be obvious but I have it in me to just pick up the phone and try talking to people. Even just seeing how they are is enough of a gesture. Who doesn’t like to think that someone was thinking about them and made the decision to let them know? I think I just feel like the onus is on me a lot of the time to be the one to start things. I don’t feel like I’m reached out to as much. I could be wrong. Or maybe I’ve just completely missed the mark. But perhaps it would behoove me to gain more members of the pack. I know I’ve got people on my side but I need to work on fortifying that bond. I expect things to happen to me, not always realizing I can make things happen as well.

It’s all a process. I’m glad to be so open to it. I can continue to roam free and explore alone, all the while keeping friends updated along the way. All I hope is that my solo status hasn’t put too much distance between me and you. I’m ready to stop blaming the pandemic on why I suck at reaching out. I’ll put the howl out. Give me time to watch the moonrise just a little longer.