(25) them’s caring words [june renew]

I have to say people’s names more and mean them. They say my name. Capital G and everything. I don’t return the favor. I’m way too arrogant for that. Yes, people are beneath me because I am more talented than they. But that feeling doesn’t last long. It’s honestly just my inner asshole making an appearance.

All this is based on a Slack conversation with co-workers today. It’s really not a big deal. They probably have forgotten what was said by now. Nothing bad happened and it honestly doesn’t even matter what were even talking about. All I know is that my co-worker *Evan typed my name, and I didn’t do the same for him. Reading back the conversation (because I thought what I said was funny), it occurred to me that it was entirely appropriate to answer his question and address him by name. It stood out as a glaring error that I think would have looked weird if I edited the message at 10:00PM. So I let it go until I decided to make it a topic of this discourse instead.

It’s important to make those you care about feel valid. I care very much about the people in my life, and I feel way too cringed out to show it. It’s like I’m not sure where the line is sometimes. How will I know when I’m simply sharing with people versus bothering them with my cherishing nature?

This is a large reason as to why I don’t reach out in the first place. I’m always nervous that I’m impeding on someone when I simply wish to talk. I’ve definitely gotten to the point where I’m not worried no one gets back to me right away. People have their own lives and they’ll find me when they’re ready. What I’m grappling with is feeling cringed out when I want to reach out. I don’t want to be a bother, and sometimes I don’t know what to say. But I do know I want to keep in contact with people. Some of those I have given up on making the effort. Others I know I’ll meet again at another time. As for those who I want to be around? I’m still finding ways to make sure they know how much I do care.

Something as simple as a name is a good first step. But there’s a feeling I have that tells me if I don’t get something right the first time, then all follow-up efforts are worthless. Everyone is mad at me because I didn’t say *Evan’s name in that one conversation. They all saw it and know just what an arrogant bitch I am. I’m really not sure where this even comes from, I just know I’m less inclined to beat myself up over it. Either way, I hope people know that I do care about them, and I only break their balls because I care. If you give me enough time, I’ll be able to express it through my words one day for it to really and truly mean something. I’ve just started saying how much I’d “love” to do things with people, whether it’s shootin’ the shit or locking down major financial decisions. That was a big step, and now I can’t stop. Some things just take me longer than others I guess.

Words matter. Names matter. It’s more important than we think. I just hope when the time comes, I’ll make better choices about my words. I’m not sure how many more chances I’ll get to right what I’ve done wrong. It’s the only thing I care about. It can happen in any medium. You name it. And, sometimes, work is as good a place as any. Why not give it a try.

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