(24) home a-loan [june renew]

Today I applied for a home mortgage. I’ve made mention that it’s time for me to upgrade my apartment. I’ve loved living here the past nine years and now I’m ready for a bigger place. And the location I have my eye on could play out very well for me if I want a happy ending to this story. But that’s neither here nor there.

Either way, it was really something sitting down and seeing just who I am on paper. 35-year-old unmarried woman. Making X amount of money a year. Employed. Assets. What I own. What I’m about. I felt a little emotional seeing it all in front of me, in what becomes a contract of trust. Please grant me X amount of money so that I may upgrade and expand my life. Trust in me that I can pay this off one day and make sure you won’t want for anything. I get why it’s easy to be mistrusting of these here financial institutions, but anything that still involves real people exchanging huge amounts of money has to be given some level of my faith.

And so I played their game. I listed everything they asked for. I gave a number of what I can afford and what I think they should give me for it. And now I wait. The good thing about me buying a new home is I’m in no rush. People will head back to the city in the fall I think, so this is as good a time as any to explore my options and stay nibbling on the line. I know I’ll end up just where I need to be, if that’s in this place I want or not. I always have to keep the door open to things not working out, yet I keep seeing myself coming out on top. This is a new feeling I’m discovering. I never would in a million years dream of things working out for me. I always saw myself as someone who would wind up with the short end of the stick. But after seeing my value and seeing how attainable something is for myself, the higher my confidence stands to go from here.

I don’t like being recorded all the time. I don’t like people I don’t know having all my information all the time. But unless I can create my own system or a better one comes along, I’ll play this game for now. The hope is one day achieving true independence, whether you’re talking about finances or matters of the heart. Everything in its own time. I’m in no rush. I have all the time in the world. It’s nice knowing there’s an incline ahead of me. I don’t have to see it as a treacherous hill. It’s a climb to the top. To a bigger home one day someone can share with me before it’s time to find one with a backyard for the kids to play.

Things can happen fast. They happen even faster when you’ve discovered you do in fact have value, and not just in the monetary sense. Human value. Value in who you are and what you’re about. We forget the human part of us sometimes and instead fall back into the manufactured humanity they’ve set up for us to feast on. Unfortunately for them, we see just how little substance there is in their obfuscation. We’ve got lives to get back to. We don’t need anyone else’s permission to do that.

If you want something, you go after it. You pursue it. You make it happen. Even if you don’t get everything you want, the experience and personal growth alone is worth its weight in gold. Happy (home) hunting, everyone.