(21) upgrading to partner status [june renew]

I got a raise today. It was a very nice one. One where I feel like I’ve taken a huge step into a brand new category of my life. I upgraded. I worked really hard to get there, and I’m glad to have it finally be here. It finally feels like I’m finally getting what I deserve.

I wonder what else is on the horizon.

I had a thought today about what it would be like to be with a partner. I haven’t found mine yet. I think it’s safe to say that anyone who is single hasn’t found theirs yet. Maybe they’re not looking, which is fine too. But there’s people you date, and then there’s the person who you make your partner. You both have to choose each other. It’s a mutual decision that lasts a lifetime. I wondered what it would be like to really know someone. To stare at them long after your kids have grown and it’s just the two of you. You sit there, knowing you’ve done absolutely every possible thing to them; physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever kind of -ly you can imagine. And yet you’re still with them. Because they’re your partner. And you love them. That’s what I’m after. To still want to be with someone even after all the shit you’ve been through and put each other through. You’re with them because you’re meant to be with them. And they’re meant to be with you.

It all feels so close and yet so far. Today just marked that first step onto the sand that marks the beginning of a new path. I have a whole new set of footprints to leave behind me. This is just the first of many imprints to come. But right now, it’s only one set of footprints. I hope to be joined by another so that we may be a pair. It’s entirely attainable. But simply talking about it and thinking about it is not enough. Action is becoming more and more imperative as the days creep along and we experience a whole new season in 2021.

It’s strange to think we’re just on the cusp of the year’s halfway point. So much has happened and so much is left to happen. I’ve mentioned I’m at a place where nothing can really shock me anymore. But what about hurt me? Haven’t I done enough damage to myself? Haven’t we done enough damage to each other? I want to sit and be happy I’m with you, not resent you after all these years.

I think the more I keep my thoughts toward the glowing and positive, they will come about. I have no need to set myself up for failure anymore. I can’t afford to, although I can afford a lot more than I have previously. I’ll put my bonus to good use. A good partnership comes with a good foundation after all.