(19) thawing the feeling out

It’s starting to feel like absolutely nothing is out of the realm of possibilities anymore. Whatever happens will be exactly what’s supposed to happen. I don’t feel worried, I don’t feel like anything can surprise me. I wonder if that makes me appear cold. I don’t want to be that. I want show my warm and inviting side, not the calloused and uncaring one. And I know a lot of the time I come off as the latter. A lot of it feels tied to my job. I have to disassociate on a lot of these major news stories so I don’t write something inaccurate or biased. That means leaving a lot of emotion out of it. But where does it all go at the end of the day?

I suppose I can find more outlets to channel it all. I did do a livestream tonight after all. If I can find some consistency with it, then maybe I’ll feel less isolated in my thinking. I feel very solo and I feel like I’ve alienated a lot of people. Doesn’t surprise me. I’m not trying to be edgy and say “my views terrify people.” It’s not that. I think I’ve just surrounded myself with a lot of people who are easy to take flight whenever there’s a disagreement. Maybe that’s a more common trait than I think. But it’s not shocking in my case.

At some point, I have to throw my hands up and concede to whatever is going on that I cannot change. I’m only one person. Just one drop of ice in a big frozen river. And because I’m so solo these days, I have nowhere else to live but inside my own head. I get to go through each and every possibility and no one’s there to check me or call me out. And, for better or for worse, I have a tendency to believe in the most extraordinary of scenarios. Just the way I like it.

I’m trying not to put deadlines on myself anymore for when these happenings will actually occur. My feelings go all sorts of haywire when I do that. So I’m trying something new, taking each day as it comes, no matter what kind of emotions may crop up. It would be nice to let people in on what I’m feeling deep down, regardless of what may happen that remains out of my control. Maybe I have to do some unfreezing of my own so I look more approachable. But there’s still a lot of hurt left I have to get over before I can even begin to go there. My ideal tells me someone can come along to shatter the icy exterior and discover my warmth within. But reality tells me that’s a job for me first.

Cool. Just the spark I need to get this fire going.

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