(10) nestled safe in my city [june renew]

There was a flood today in my apartment building. I have no idea what happened. It felt like it made sense. I have a real option to stay in this building, just in a much bigger place. And it’s okay that she leaked a little. She’s an old building. Pre-war. Optimal real estate in this city. They don’t make ’em like this anymore. It’s elegant and beautiful. Timeless. These buildings will never go out of style. And once you’ve got your hooks in, it can sometimes take an act of God in order to move these mountains.

It’s easy to make fun of someone living in New York City. I get it. I was born here. I have every right to make fun of it before you do. The mantra is “get out of cities,” when this place actually makes the most sense for me right now. My job is here. I don’t have any children. I own a piece of it. Why head off to the suburbs and add a brand new expense to my repertoire? I don’t have a car and I won’t need one until I need a big ol’ van to cart around the kids. But that time is not now. I figure I have a good two to three years before that happens. Until then, I’m in a good spot and I intend on keeping it that way.

What I need to work on is wanting the good things for myself. I celebrated my city today by relaxing in the nature simulator that is Central Park right now. I enjoyed my time there. I watched a couple guys have a judo lesson, where they grappled and flipped each other, getting up close and comfortable until it was time to leave. With a mask on. That’s their choice. I questioned it. Doesn’t matter either way. I was there to soak in the sun and nothing more. I watched the little bumblebees land on the thistle-like flowers strewn about me. I was hoping a bumblebee would land on me so I could pretend it thought I was a flower. Instead, I plucked the closest one to me and played a game of “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.” Haven’t done that since I was a kid. I never knew who I was referring to then, and I still didn’t today. Slightly. And I really wanted to feel like Ariel from Little Mermaid when she played the same game. But the thought of the alternate scenario kept crowding my mind. I mean, I had a fifty-fifty shot either way. And I couldn’t help feeling like I’d just end up disappinted again.

I didn’t. It went the way I was hoping it would.

So why could I just let the wish win a little bit more?

It feels like I have to lay out each and every option for every scenario I find myself in, so I won’t be surprised by what ultimately results. It’s the only way I feel safe. And yet I keep encouraging everyone to leave their bubbles and take the risks. But how can I expect anyone else to when I don’t even take the risk of believing in my own wishes?

Like I say, it’s really all a process. The more I think about it and take these steps outside my apartment safe space, the clearer I expect it all to become. It’s up to me to take those steps. This is the first time I actually went outside after work in maybe two weeks. I’ve been too comfortable inside. I want to break free. It’s getting easier and easier to make that step. There’s a lot out there, even if it doesn’t always feel like real, live nature that I crave. I have a lot here for me. A lot that I love.

Only this time, we can see the bubble bursting in slow motion. It’s then we’ll be happy we prepared for the worst. Just as long as we expect the best.