(3) relationshipping the doses [june renew]

I’m actually feeling happier. I was a big beaming bright light as I walked into work today at 3:15AM. People seem to be happy to see me. This was something I always struggled with. I know people like me, I just don’t know how much of me they like. Have you ever described someone as “good in small doses” ? That’s how I don’t want to be. It’s not like I want to be the best to be around all day every day. That would be impossible. But I don’t want to be a microfriend. It’s nice knowing someone actually wants to spend time around you and isn’t counting down the seconds until they’re out of your grasp.

This is why the prospect of a romantic relationship is lost on me. As an only child, I need my alone time. I cannot be around someone all the time. I need my space. If we’re talking about needs from yesterday, this is literally the only thing I need. Just give me some time to be by myself. Hell, we can buy two apartments. Let me take a weekend off from you once a month to be up to my own devices. No questions asked. And then when we reconnect, it’ll be like we never left one another. This doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibilities for me and my potential partner. The big question is, how do I even get to that spot where someone wants to be in that kind of relationship with me?

I’ve only had three boyfriends in my life. Two of them didn’t even consider themselves my boyfriend. One said we weren’t in a relationship because we didn’t survive our first fight. The second said he needed to date me for four months before putting that label on it. We made it to three. The other one was my high school boyfriend who I was head over heels about and completely blindsided when he said we should take a break. Either way, I didn’t think it was so crazy to say “boyfriend” to someone I was dating and having a nice time with. It isn’t that serious of a word to me. But, everyone’s different I guess. Those guys had enough of me and wanted to keep it as clean cut and casual as they could. Oh well. Still, if they couldn’t handle even short, casual amounts of time with me, how am I supposed to get someone to the point where they’d actually want to legally bind themselves to me?

This isn’t to say I haven’t been in long-term relationships. They’ve just always been circling the edge of commitment. I’ve been in years-long, dysfunctional relationships with people where we go back and forth, hopping in and out of one another’s lives, fighting, fucking, and fueling our drama all the while. It’s like an inverse of a happy, well-adjusted couple. He could only handle small doses of me when I wanted to be his entire portion. I tried and failed multiple times, letting my dramatic side take over, wishing and hoping and praying that showing him my inner cunt would somehow make him love me. It didn’t. I don’t know why I’m like this, and I don’t know if I’ve broken my shot at love beyond repair.

It’s sad. I’m not supposed to be like this. I showed him all the bad of me, somehow thinking by getting all of that out of the way first would lend way to showing him my true heart. The good in me. The one who wants to be the one. But I gave him every reason in the world to not want to buy a ticket for this ride. Why would anyone want that?

I know I’m amiable. I know I can overcome the drama queendom and express any anger that arises in a healthy manner. I can say that now. I couldn’t before. And it’s no surprise that no one wants to stick around for the long haul. I’m really not trying to create a pity party here either. It’s just cathartic to be able to pinpoint your shortcomings and say “I was wrong.” I was. And I think I’ll be paying dearly for that for the rest of my life.

Either way, I’m in no rush. In order to be in a relationship, you have to want to spend time with yourself first before you can expect anyone else to want to be around you. The more clarity I experience, the easier it is to want to spend time with me. If I didn’t learn something new about myself each and every day, then I just wouldn’t be me. The more I love myself, the less surprising it’ll be when someone chooses to love me back. When that day is, I do not know.

Who that person is?

Well, that’s another story.

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