Fair Point: Hang Up Time

i saw someone’s name today. i didn’t mean to see it. i wasn’t even looking for it. actually, i’ve done everything i can to go out of my way and avoid it. nothing against this person, really. they haven’t even done anything to directly affect me, even when they were somewhat apart of my life. but seeing this name sent me into a loud, fervent, bubbling rage, the likes of which shocked even me. it probably shocked my co-worker too after i growled, “get off my fucking phone.” i’m not proud of that, especially when i was in such a good mood for a monday. and yet, i let this one little thing set me off. i let myself be the crazy woman near the corner office. it feels so stupid to think about. but that rage was undeniable. and i know it was misplaced anger. like i said, this person has done nothing to me to warrant such a reaction. and yet there it was. in my face. angry at me for being so angry at them. there’s a reason why, and yet i feel as though it is not my story to tell. all i can tell you is there’s some unresolved jealousy still creeping around my inner operating board, even though i am in no position to feel such things. it’s frustrating and weird and so wrong to even feel this way. and, unfortunately for me, there’s only one other person on this entire planet who i’d be able to clear the air with: the person who told me the story about the one whose name lit up on my phone. and that person is not here. i don’t know where they went. i don’t know if they’re coming back. i’m also not entirely sure what i even did to make it go away this time. i mean, it’s not like i don’t have a laundry list of reasons to choose from. i just want to know which one was the final nail in this coffin. the thing to make them close the door on me forever. except i still don’t feel like it’s over. because it’s not over until i disconnect the call. so far, no one has given me a firm and hard “no,” nor do i have any semblance of closure. as far as i’m concerned, the game is still on. and i’ll still play by my rules that i have in place: no searching for it, no actively looking for it, and certainly no reaching out to it. if this is a game of who’ll blink first, i’ll let my eyes dry out before i make a fool of myself with some grand gesture that will only end in heartbreak. things have to unload in their own time, and i feel that time rapidly approaching. i’ll get my answer one way or the other, no matter the outcome. i’ll pick up any call when it’s time. the question is, can i trust myself to keep a lid on my anger, or will i have to hear the dial tone for the rest of my life?

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