I can’t handle any more bad takes. It’s driving me crazy.

You see it on Twitter, someone responds back to you with an outrageous claim or some blue checkmark’s brain vomits up an idea that seemed like a smart one at the time. But boy did it miss the mark. And it’s not like you see it on your own volition. Someone retweets their tweet, showing you what they said, urging you to be just as annoyed at the idiocy as they are. And now everyone is mad, or at least has to snark back at what an idiot person-in-question is/was.

And I can’t do it anymore.

I’m not trying to tell you my plans. There’s some days I barely even check Twitter. I don’t have any plans to directly change my course of action on it, either. I find that if I do things cold turkey, I justify getting back into it eventually. Except for smoking cigarettes. I quit four and a half years ago and will never go back. But everything else I want to quit that I know is bad for me always seems to find me again. 

I keep wrestling with this feeling I have of viewing anger as inherently “bad.” As if it’s not even an option to take, even if it may be justified in the moment. Instead of sitting with my feelings of anger and maybe examining what’s making me feel this way, my learned behavior tells me to just not even address it. I pretend like everything is fine, and then I get passive-aggressive. And that’s a version of myself that I don’t want to resort to anymore. Sometimes snark on Twitter is okay, but I don’t want to carry that over to my real life. It just feels like a very unattractive quality to possess. So the next best option is for me to actually take the more mature option and learn to express my anger healthily.

But how?

In the age of instant gratification social media interactions, it may be hard to quit. And I’m jonesing for a real throw down slap fight to release what’s really bothering me.

Online, it’s extra easy to argue with a faceless person. There’s only implied humanity in a lot of online interactions. So it’s no skin off your nose if you call someone an imbecile when they showcase their idiocy or get a fact wrong and won’t relent. It’s easy. And some people have made a living off being that person. But ultimately, what’s the point? Is this really the healthy way for us to release our frustrations? There have been studies that online ranting or venting is only a temporary fix for one’s anger. Constantly letting off steam can be seen as aggressive behavior in and of itself, since anyone can become a target of this expulsion of air. And releasing out a big breath of anger can actually keep it ruminating in your memory longer than you wish.

So again, what’s the point of me getting angry at people’s reactions that I have no control of? It feels like I have to apologize for being annoyed at everyone’s thoughts lately. I don’t know what everyone is smoking, but everyone seems to have a bad word to say about someone. If they’re not knobslobbing over some low-effort post or comment from the current administration, they’ve got to let you know about just how stupid and low IQ ‘the other side’ is about something. It’s like we can’t help ourselves, we just have to be absolute bitches to people who are different.

And that, my friends, is what’s been setting me on fire lately. Because I don’t want to be mad anymore.

I just want to move on.

There’s a lot that’s building up in me with nowhere to go. This blog provides a good outlet, and I always have my private writings. But I’m starting to acknowledge that the thing that I really wish would happen may not. It may be too late at this point. And that makes me angry. I’m sitting here mulling over all the times I got it wrong, all the times I didn’t do it right, the moments I bottled up my anger instead of finding ways to release it. They’re regretful actions, although I don’t live with regrets. I’m just ready for resolution rather than radio silence. And I fear I’ll be living with the reticence the rest of my life. And I just don’t want to. So the next best option in dealing with this is hopping online and just getting mad at everyone for doing things that I wouldn’t do. What’s better than puffing my big cloud of self-importance right in someone’s face?

It’s just so exhausting. It doesn’t pay to be burning mad anymore. I’ve got to find a way to fix it, or at least live with it. Just like I have to live with the fact that people don’t think like me, or won’t even hear me out. They’ll always think I’m a loser, they’ll think I’m stupid, they’ll act like I’m responsible for all the bad in the world. And getting mad over someone who’s that angry at someone they don’t know just isn’t worth it anymore. There’s never been a point. I need to reserve my anger over things that are actually worth being angry about. Things I actually have control over. Things I can actually make a difference with. I’d rather my lungs stay clear and full of breath that can be expelled and provide something beneficial. Clogging them with ire will only hurt me in the long run.

Sometimes quitting can be an option.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s